Something that comes up regularly in sessions with my clients is the feeling that they can’t trust their own judgement anymore. This often leaves them with a sense of having to seek out validation on their decisions from others around them, and needing to ‘reality check’ in therapy.
Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is a profound act of courage. However, the aftermath often leaves individuals grappling with a shattered sense of self and an inability to trust their own judgment. This internal turmoil is not only disorienting but also deeply isolating.
In this article, I explore what it feels like to doubt your own judgment after experiencing emotional abuse and offer practical strategies to rebuild confidence in your decision-making abilities.
The Emotional Aftermath of Abuse
When you leave an emotionally abusive relationship, you might feel as if you’re emerging from a fog. In these relationships, abusers often employ tactics like gaslighting, where they manipulate you into questioning your reality, memories, and perceptions. Over time, this constant undermining erodes your self-trust.
The Experience of Self-Doubt
What does it feel like to have self-doubt?
Constant Self-Questioning
You might find yourself second-guessing even the smallest decisions, like choosing what to wear or what to eat. This pervasive doubt can extend to more significant life choices, leaving you paralysed and unable to move forward.
Fear of Making Mistakes
The fear of making the wrong decision can be overwhelming. This fear often stems from the abuser’s criticism and punishment for perceived mistakes, making you overly cautious and anxious.
Loss of Self-Identity
Emotional abuse often involves the abuser imposing their identity onto you, leading to a loss of your sense of self. After leaving, you might struggle to reconnect with your own preferences, values, and beliefs. This can look like being incongruenct. Carl Roger’s definition of incongruence is stated as “a lack of alignment between the real self and the ideal self” (American Psychological Association, https://dictionary.apa.org/incongruence). Emotional abuse often leaves individuals feeling as if they can’t be congruent because their own sense of self is compromised.
Insights into Self-Doubt Post-Abuse
Research highlights the profound impact of emotional abuse on self-perception and cognitive functioning. A study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence found that survivors of emotional abuse often exhibit heightened levels of self-doubt and reduced self-efficacy, the belief in one's ability to succeed in specific situations (Smith et al., 2020). This diminished self-efficacy can make everyday decisions feel daunting.
Tips to Rebuild Trust in Your Judgment
While the journey to reclaim your trust in yourself is challenging, it is entirely possible with patience and intentional effort. Here are some strategies to help you rebuild confidence in your judgment:
Seek Professional Support
Therapy can be incredibly beneficial. A therapist can help you process your experiences, validate your feelings, and develop strategies to regain your sense of self. (Dutton et al., 2011).
Practice Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself. Understand that doubting your judgment is a natural response to the abuse you endured. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend in a similar situation (Neff, 2003).
Rebuild Your Self-Identity
Engage in activities that you once enjoyed or try new hobbies. This can help you reconnect with your interests and preferences, gradually rebuilding your sense of self.
Make Small Decisions
Start by making small, low-stakes decisions and gradually work your way up to more significant choices. Celebrate each decision as a step towards reclaiming your autonomy.
Keep a Journal
Writing down your thoughts and decisions can help you track your progress and recognize patterns in your thinking. It can also serve as a reminder of your growth over time.
Surround Yourself with Supportive People
Build a support network of friends, family, or support groups who can offer encouragement and perspective. Positive reinforcement from others can help bolster your confidence.
Regaining trust in your own judgment after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is a journey of healing and self-discovery. While it may seem daunting, remember that every small step you take is a victory. By seeking support, practicing self-compassion, and gradually challenging yourself, you can rebuild your confidence and reclaim your sense of self. The journey might be long, but with patience and perseverance, you will find your way back to trusting yourself.
By acknowledging the impact of emotional abuse and taking deliberate steps to rebuild, you can rediscover the strength and clarity within yourself.
References
Dutton, M. A., Goodman, L. A., & Bennett, L. (2011). Court-involved battered women's
responses to violence: The role of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse. Violence and Victims, 16(6), 611-627.
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude
toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.
Smith, S. G., Chen, J., Basile, K. C., Gilbert, L. K., Merrick, M. T., Patel, N., Walling, M., &
Jain, A. (2020). The national intimate partner and sexual violence survey (NISVS): 2015 data brief – updated release. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 35(23-24), 5767-5786.
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